A huge part of adulthood and one of the key things we look
forward to as children is the chance to make our own choices. One of the first
words we say is “No!” and I learned early on as a mother that if you wanted
your toddler to wear pants don’t ask them to put on pants, ask them if they
want to wear the green ones or the blue ones.
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| Mr 11 at age 1, the most decisive kid on the planet. |
The small decisions we make as kids prepare us for the more
important ones we have to make as we grow older. Choice gives us a sense of
control in a crazy world. What teenager hasn’t gotten frustrated with their
parents for saying ‘no’ when they are making what they believe is a good
choice?
The word “No” is usually met by all the traditional stages
of grief from denial to bargaining while the final acceptance stage may look
more like your frustrated teenager daughter screaming “UGH You are the WORST
mother in the world!” And the sound of a door slamming as she stomps up the
corridor to her bedroom.
You see, to the teenage mind not yet familiar with the intricacies
of adulting, the word ‘no’ is a simple choice, a choice to let your child be
happy or have “the worst day in their entire life OMG”. Where as to the parent
“No” is a layered answer based of carefully weighed up pro’s and con’s
factoring in other family members, safety, time frame, logistics and potential
future consequences.
Okay, I admit occasionally parents do say no without a really good
‘genuine’ reason – in my case this is often related to laziness. A “no” to “Can
I go to Billy’s house for a sleep over?” is possibly because Billy lives 40
minutes away and I don’t feel like getting dressed and driving rather than
because I am concerned that Billy’s parents are secretly smoking crack.
But sometimes there are genuine concerns for safety, take my
son Mr 13, who is more honest than most teenagers because well frankly he has
never really mastered the art of lying. I am particularly thankful for that
given the company he has a habit of keeping. He will tell me how his best friend
ever is taking drugs and getting beaten by his alcoholic father and then in the
next breath he will ask if he can go over there for a sleep over tomorrow. Um…
yeah, no.
In situations like this I have to be ultra-careful to use an
unrelated excuse for why he can’t stay there this weekend and then wait a few days
to have the appropriate “safety” talk, this way he doesn’t connect that the
fact he was honest with me has actually caused the “no”.
Mr 11 and Mr 15 on the other hand are far more versed in the
subject of lying or at the very least omitting facts they feel might influence
my decisions. In their cases, there is far more detective work involved but
they are also more self-confident than Mr 13 and less likely to bow to peer
pressure. Mr 11 has been very confident about his own decision making since birth. The best way of finding out if they are up to no good is quizzing Mr
13 about it!
So sometimes, okay most of the time, being a mother makes me
feel like a total hypocrite. I made a lot of bad choices as a teenager – a bad
teenage choice is how I became a mother in the first place! I’m just bloody
lucky that things have turned out alright for me on the whole but I still find
myself making bad choices, particularly with my health.
Having mental health issues and being suicidal most of my
life meant that things like going to the dentist or having a pap smear were simply
not done because, well they are unpleasant and frankly you aren’t all that
concerned about long term consequences when you feel the chances are that you
won’t be around to suffer them anyway.
Even at the best of times depression can turn choices like
whether to wear the red jumper or the blue one feel like life and death
decisions that we simply haven’t got the authority to make. My parents both
have serious issues with decision making, Mum always has and Dads Alzheimer’s
has affected his skills in that department, so something as simple as choosing
where to go for coffee when I’m also depressed can take forever.
I also have a tendency to decide when to listen to my
doctors based on my wants at the time, if medication is suggested when I am
depressed then I’m all for it because I want to feel better, but if its
suggested when I am euphorically manic and need to come down then I’m going to
take a lot more convincing.
When I’m hypomanic and teetering on the edges of mania is probably
when my decision skills are at their poorest, back to the teenage ‘have fun now
and to hell with the consequences’ mentality I am more likely to take drugs
(other than those prescribed), spend ridiculous amounts of money, stay up all
night for days, swear inappropriately, act impulsively, drive dangerously, get
into arguments, ditch my self -care routines and generally misbehave.
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| Not helpful 8 ball, not helpful! |
I caught up with an old friend the other day, she has been
diagnosed with Bipolar in the last 12 months but in hindsight has had it for
decades, we were discussing that pivotal point in hypomania when you still have
the insight to know you need intervention even though you are having fun and how
hard it can be to make that right decision to go to the doctor.
Ultimately life is full of decisions, sometimes we are going
to make the wrong ones but recognizing and learning from them is what will help
us grow, and if all else fails I do have a magic 8 ball.
Do you have trouble with decisions?
