Being in control and fate of the death tree

Glance down 150km p/hr, look up nah… surely that’s not possible. Glance down again, 155… hmmm, doesn’t feel like it, feels more like 80. Flo Rider blasts into my ears through my brand new $250 headphones. The passenger seat is full of the mornings other spontaneous purchases that I can’t actually afford, but its payday and I don’t particularly care. Yet.

My body is tingling, the hairs on my arms prickle and my rose coloured sun glasses are changing the colour of the high yellow grass in the paddocks into an inviting vibrant green. There is nobody around, it’s just me, the music and the open road. I slowly depress my right foot further on to the accelerator. Glance down, 165 now. It’s like nothing, I have complete control. 

175. Time and space no longer exist and I am traveling in a vortex, transfixed on the clear path ahead, trees flash past and I am absorbed by the bitumen as it shimmers in the heat of the day.

180. feels a little faster now, not fast enough though; foot flat. 

195. The tree line is approaching and so is a bend and a large truck on the other side of the road a wave of exhilaration passes through me, singing along to the music I debate trying to push through to 200. Just a little more cant hurt…

The music can read my thoughts: “feeling forty-three million feet up in the sky full of diamonds…” Fuck yeah I am! 198. I am no longer a physical being, just a collection of energy particles combined together to create an illusion. I am simply a hologram, capable of separating and re-forming at will. 

The truck is suddenly closer now. I wonder if I could separate my particles wide enough to pass right through it, after all we are just made of energy. Would we enmesh in gross physical carnage or would we pass straight through the space time continuum and each other continuing along as though we had never met? 

The straight stretch of road runs out and I am forced to slow for the bends, 150. 140. The truck driver shakes his head as he passes and I blow him a kiss. We could have traveled time together, he and I, yet he will never even know. 

I round a familiar bend and notice that the ‘death tree’ is lying down and parts of it have been chopped up; it must have fallen over onto the road in the storm the other night. I am struck by an absurd pang grief for the old gum and the knowledge that I don’t know how I feel about that.

The ‘death tree’ is a very large, broad-trunked eucalypt, positioned in an ideal spot around a sharpish corner to palm off ones’ suicide as an ‘unfortunate accident’ should the need ever arise. I have pointedly aimed my car at it at high speed on more than one occasion but always pulled back at the last minute. Knowing it’s an option has been enough.

Flashes of random irritability, anxiety and suicidality have been haunting the edges of my current hypomanic state and although at that moment I certainly wasn’t wanting to die, or even believing that it was physically possible for me to die, the knowledge that that particular option had been taken away from me forever was rather odd.

Before I know it I am pulling up in my driveway, the journey home has seemed much quicker than usual. I catch my reflection in the windscreen and assess myself for a minute. I’m driving too fast, I’m spending too much, I can see that I am but I am doing it anyway. My mood is escalating.

From a logical perspective I am aware that driving at nearly twice the speed limit is a bad idea, I know intellectually that if I was caught doing that I would get arrested, lose my license, be fined thousands of dollars and generally humiliated. I understand that traveling at those high speeds poses risk to the safety of other drivers.

But I am unable to find the guilt and care that should come with that knowledge. It didn’t FEEL dangerous; I was completely in control, wasn’t I? 

Even when I was counseled by a tweep before buying my new headphones (Thanks Carrie) asking wisely if I needed them? No. Would I regret buying them later? Probably. Can I afford them? No. Was I completely in control when I pulled out the credit card? As much as I hate to admit it, the answer is a resounding no.

My thoughts are racing, they are slowly losing construction and I am drifting in and out of myself. I fear that I’m heading towards a mixed episode rather than an epiphany and it scares the shit out of me. I am losing control. Again.

Mental Illness Vs Crime

What is our responsibility level as mentally ill people? What are we accountable for, what is our personality, what is our illness and at which point does the fact that bad or criminal behaviour isn’t “us” but our illness cease to matter in the interests of public safety?

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In the aftermath of the tragedy in Melbourne on Friday 20th January 2017, Australia has been left reeling with anger and questions. Mental illness is now in the spot light again but for all the wrong reasons. 

If you are unfamiliar with the story, on Friday the 20^th January 2017 a man by the name of “Dimitrious Gargasoulas” went on a rampage through the streets of Melbourne that ended with him driving a car into the busy Bourke Street Mall and ploughing down anyone in his path. At the time I write this 4 people are dead including a 10yr old child and many others in serious and critical condition in hospital.

The perpetrator received a gun shot wound to the arm and was dragged from his vehicle and arrested, images show him lying cuffed on his back wearing nothing but red underpants while other images show the now empty mangled pram that was dragged along the street. 

Australia understandably wants blood, as more information comes into public light people are calling en masse for the death penalty. It seems the man had a history of mental health problems, drug use and violence and was actually out on bail relating to a stabbing incident the previous weekend.

 Most troubling are his recent Facebook posts, religious themes and delusions of grandeur indicating that he was probably in the midst of a psychosis. This is particularly upsetting because the start of the tirade of posts predates his recent arrest which means he was questioned by authorities while obviously mentally unstable and he wasn’t sectioned or held in custody, he was bailed.

Facebook post from 9^th Jan “TODAY THE GODS HAVE GIVEN ME WISDOM AND KNOWLEDGE. THEY HAVE AWOKEN ME. IHAVE MY ANSWERS ALSO VISION OF A FUTURE THAT IS CLOUDED THE WORK OF SATAN TO FACE ME AND FAIL OVER AND OVER AMUSES ME RATHER THAN SHAKE ME TO THE GROUND”

Facebook post from 16^th Jan: “I DECLARE WAR ON TYRANNY TODAY YOU DOGS WILL HAVE THE OPTION TO EITHER BELIEVE IN ME AND HIS POSITIVE ENERGY HE OFFERS AND STAY FAITHFUL TO ME OR SERVE THE ONE WHO ESLAVES YOU AT HIS FEET I OFFER FREEDOM NO WORK NO BILLS JUST THAT WE ALL KEEP FAITH AND BELIEVE IN THE ONE GOD THE ONE HIGHER BEING BEING FOR THE GOOD AND PROTECT THE ENERGY THAT HE GIVES WITH YOUR HEART GOD BLESS EVERYONE IN THE WORLD IT IS ABOUT TO CHANGE XOXO”

Note the escalation of content, lack of any punctuation, grandeur, capital letters and phrasing. I write this way when I am manic.

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 An overwhelming amount of Facebook commenters are angrily saying that “he will just be let off because of his mental health problems” while “drug induced” is a common phrase, they are also fearfully throwing words like Bipolar and Schizophrenia around like they are dirty and dangerous.

I fear that this incident will undo a lot of the good work and results we have been seeing over the last few years to end the stigma surrounding mental illness. Situations like this are not the norm. This scares the public, this scares ME.

During my stays in psychiatric hospitals I have seen many, many people with what I will call “organic” psychosis, an episode brought on by their illness – bipolar, schizophrenia etc – the majority of them are in their own worlds, opinionated yes, perhaps an unintentional risk to others, but not really what I would call “scary” dangerous. 

ICE induced psychosis however was a totally different ball game. That was TERRIFYING. I remember one guy in particular coming in with about 6 police officers, 2 ambulance officers and half of the staff in the unit trying to hold him down just to sedate him. If a two year old had walked up to him and smiled he wouldn’t have hesitated to rip its arms and legs off.

Mental illness is certainly unpredictable; does that automatically make people with mental illness’s dangerous? Does that make ME potentially dangerous? Could I actually be capable of doing such horrific things? 

During manias I have certainly experienced the feeling of being “God” or at least “at one with God”, I have made very poor judgement calls and been paranoid but I have never, ever wanted to hurt anybody other than myself. Could that change?

I can say now while I am well that if I were ever to do something like this I would want to be imprisoned, because even if I was ‘unwell’ and ‘not in my right mind’ when the incident occurred, just knowing that I was capable of such horrific things if I was to become unwell again is enough to make me fear being allowed to walk in public.

Frankly, sick or sane, in most instances if we commit a violent crime I feel that we should be held accountable for that. We can’t just let dangerous people out on the streets because they have a mental illness. If someone is deemed ‘dangerous’ they need to remain in custody / hospital for the duration of the time they are considered dangerous, then if a crime was committed and a prison sentence is required, it should be served.

I guess this is what happens when are ill and we get sectioned. It’s happened to me, and as much as I hate being sectioned because “I know better”, I have to respect the fact that the doctors don’t know me as a person, they can’t see inside my head and feel my feelings and if they declare me “a danger to myself or others” based on my outward actions then they are doing that to prevent incidents like the one in Melbourne and I want incidents like that prevented.

You have to wonder if this tragedy could have been prevented if only Dimitrious Gargasoulas had received proper care for his psychotic episode earlier, or if he had not been released on bail only a few days earlier. Is he just an asshole criminal who belongs in prison with or without mental illness as a factor, or is he changed into this terrible person only when he is unwell?  

When all is said and done, every criminal incident involving mental health factors needs to be treated individually based on the persons lifestyle choice, interest and willingness to maintain good mental health ( I hate to use the word 'compliance') and of course scale of the crime and chance of repeat offence. There simply is no 'one size fits all' solution.

I send all my love to the victims and families of the Bourke St Mall tragedy, I pray that Dimitrious Gargasoulas is prosecuted to the full extent of the law, regardless of his mental illness and I sincerely hope that Australia can continue working to end the stigma regarding mental health in times of fear and uncertainty.