Whingy Whiny Depression

I’ve been isolating myself from the real world, the thought of having to put on a smiley “I’m Happy” face is too much, not to mention that this would force me to leave my bed, shower and actually wash my greasy excuse for hair. I wagged my psychiatrist appointment, I avoid answering the phone and I haven’t even been writing, no inspiration. Facebook is making me angry it seems that several people in my small community that I thought were decent are actually Islamaphobes. But as I have to live here, starting an online rant about why they are racist, uneducated twats is probably not a smart move. 

The only thing I have actually been enjoying doing lately is losing myself to hashtag games on Twitter and lying in bed with the sheets pulled over my head listening to pod casts for hours on end. I have absolutely NOTHING valid to complain about either, nothing bad has happened, I am surrounded by a loving family and friends who would probably jump to my aid if I was to ask for help.

But how can you ask for help when you don’t know what sort of help you need?

I don’t need someone just to listen as I really have nothing to say, I don’t want someone to just sit with me as that would be awkward. I don’t want to go out and frankly I would just rather be alone in my bed wallowing in self-pity.

The thoughts that circle my brain and constantly remind me of my short comings also remind me that bipolar depression is going to be cycling through my pointless life forever and what the hell is the point of riding a rollercoaster that you can’t ever get off. They remind me how disgusting my body is and then watch me from afar tut – tutting as I binge on boxes of cornflakes for no reason other than to punish myself for still existing. Fat.Lazy.Stupid.CantEvenMakeHerselfVomit. 

I lie in bed after a binge session for hours willing myself to get up and go for a run, but the house is cold and the bed is warm, why can’t I just manage to make myself throw up? The only sure fire way I know to make myself throw up is to overdose on pills, but knowing my luck they will make me too sick and I will have to explain myself and I don’t have access to enough to actually kill me and put me out of my misery once and for all. 

God knows I can’t afford to be back in the psych ward right now. Imagine explaining that one. “Kate, why did you try to kill yourself?” “Oh I didn’t, I was just trying to throw up because I’m a stupid fat piece of shit who can’t seem to stick her fingers down her throat properly”. How embarrassing.

Sorry for the whingy whiny depression rant, I’ll go back to bed now.

The Toast Post

So I bought a new toaster, well two actually – one for myself and my youngest son as we are both gluten free and one for the rest of the tribe. I wanted nice black toasters for the new kitchen and I paid a king’s ransom for them but they don’t match and it erks me slightly.

 

I prefer the little one

The place I bought the four slice one from had run out of two slice ones so I went to another place to get the two slice equivalent and the ones they had were slightly different and I couldn’t return the four slice one so ended up with odd toasters.

 Now the purchase of a new small appliance is hardly a blogworthy topic, it’s not like my old toaster ended its life with a blue spark and a ball of fire but I have too much time on my hands and my creative juices aren’t exactly flowing at the moment so here we are...

Settings 1 through 6

You see my husband insisted on reading ALL of the 6 page instruction booklet out loud in a posh slightly Brittish accent and between bouts of laughter we were surprised that we actually learned a few things. 

For example we discovered that there is a genuine reason that toasters have so many settings ranging from “warm the bread slightly” all the way through to “burn the living shit out of it”.

Top toast tip: The “burn the living shit out of it” setting is designed for thicker, moister loaf cuts such as raisin bread and the “warm the bread slightly” is for thinner dryer slices. 

Caution this product may turn into a kettle without warning!

However, as we live in the days of reduced common sense, the instructions are very important as they stipulate important lesser known facts such as:

•  “Do not toast stale bread, rice crackers or similar on the high setting as there is a chance they may catch fire”. I confess that I have set my kitchen on fire multiple times but not yet with the toaster...

"Do not place objects such as toast, bread or similar on top of your toaster when in use." 

 

 




• “Do not immerse the appliance in water or any other liquid unless recommended” I wonder exactly whom is able to give such a recommendation and under what circumstances would they recommend it?

"Do not place appliance on or near a hot gas flame, electric element or heated oven"

•  “Do not use an appliance for any purpose other than it’s intended use.” Such a shame there are so many possibilities…      

“Never attempt to extract jammed toast, muffins, bagels or crumpets with a knife or other metal object” .

So without further ado I propose a poetic welcoming toast to my new toasters:

 “Welcome to my humble kitchen, where there is sometimes laughter and often bitchin', may you warm my bread to a golden brown when I adjust your setting to half way down.

 Promise me you will do no harm, like no setting off my smoke alarm and no dropping crumbs or sparking blue when inevitably I stick a knife in you.

So here you are with your ‘high lift leaver’, ‘defrost button’ and ‘Quick check feature’, we embark upon this journey together, browning bread or crumpets in the cooler weather, ‘your self-centering bread slots’ may have left my wallet empty, but with all these children you’ll be used plenty.