The Toast Post

So I bought a new toaster, well two actually – one for myself and my youngest son as we are both gluten free and one for the rest of the tribe. I wanted nice black toasters for the new kitchen and I paid a king’s ransom for them but they don’t match and it erks me slightly.

 

I prefer the little one

The place I bought the four slice one from had run out of two slice ones so I went to another place to get the two slice equivalent and the ones they had were slightly different and I couldn’t return the four slice one so ended up with odd toasters.

 Now the purchase of a new small appliance is hardly a blogworthy topic, it’s not like my old toaster ended its life with a blue spark and a ball of fire but I have too much time on my hands and my creative juices aren’t exactly flowing at the moment so here we are...

Settings 1 through 6

You see my husband insisted on reading ALL of the 6 page instruction booklet out loud in a posh slightly Brittish accent and between bouts of laughter we were surprised that we actually learned a few things. 

For example we discovered that there is a genuine reason that toasters have so many settings ranging from “warm the bread slightly” all the way through to “burn the living shit out of it”.

Top toast tip: The “burn the living shit out of it” setting is designed for thicker, moister loaf cuts such as raisin bread and the “warm the bread slightly” is for thinner dryer slices. 

Caution this product may turn into a kettle without warning!

However, as we live in the days of reduced common sense, the instructions are very important as they stipulate important lesser known facts such as:

•  “Do not toast stale bread, rice crackers or similar on the high setting as there is a chance they may catch fire”. I confess that I have set my kitchen on fire multiple times but not yet with the toaster...

"Do not place objects such as toast, bread or similar on top of your toaster when in use." 

 

 




• “Do not immerse the appliance in water or any other liquid unless recommended” I wonder exactly whom is able to give such a recommendation and under what circumstances would they recommend it?

"Do not place appliance on or near a hot gas flame, electric element or heated oven"

•  “Do not use an appliance for any purpose other than it’s intended use.” Such a shame there are so many possibilities…      

“Never attempt to extract jammed toast, muffins, bagels or crumpets with a knife or other metal object” .

So without further ado I propose a poetic welcoming toast to my new toasters:

 “Welcome to my humble kitchen, where there is sometimes laughter and often bitchin', may you warm my bread to a golden brown when I adjust your setting to half way down.

 Promise me you will do no harm, like no setting off my smoke alarm and no dropping crumbs or sparking blue when inevitably I stick a knife in you.

So here you are with your ‘high lift leaver’, ‘defrost button’ and ‘Quick check feature’, we embark upon this journey together, browning bread or crumpets in the cooler weather, ‘your self-centering bread slots’ may have left my wallet empty, but with all these children you’ll be used plenty.