Gainful Employment

So I'm kinda not working at my “proper adult” public service job anymore. I took unpaid leave from my position in a busy inbound call centre for the government welfare department around 3 months ago due to a depressive episode and just never went back again. They haven't officially sacked me and I haven't officially quit but we all know that it’s over.

The depressive episode that finally saw me leave was dark and suicidal in nature but not my worst by far. I think in the end the single thing that made it so hard to walk into that office everyday was the overwhelming anxiety I had developed.

Anxiety had never really affected me before, or if it did it would be over something major and specific and happened very, very rarely. This was different, an all consuming wave washed over me my throat would clench tight, I would get all shaky and dizzy and completely unable to think, concentrate or remember anything and even the mere thought of stepping foot in the office would trigger it.

The job itself was taxing, customers were often angry or upset already in difficult life situations before phoning in and then hit with wait times that were sometimes over an hour just to speak to one of us. There was a lot of pressure from management in relation to stats, time spent on the call, quality of the call, time adherence with meal breaks to be met down to the minute. Yes it was stressful but realistically before my first breakdown I used to cope fine, nothing at work had actually changed, there was no big incident that I could pinpoint, it was just me and my addled mind.

So after the first severe breakdown ending in a suicide attempt and 8week hospitalisation (more about that another day) I eventually went back to work but cut down my hours, I went from working 50 hour weeks to 10 hour weeks but the anxiety reached all time high and eventually, I hit a depressive episode too and simply couldn’t hack it at all anymore. I had lost all confidence in my ability to offer customers the correct advice, I could barely hold a conversation due to concentration and memory issues, I felt like a useless burdon so I walked away.

Before I had this job I had worked in retail, in a pet store to be precise, a job I had started in as a bubbly 15year old girl with a love of animals and the gift of the gab and that was where I had stayed for a good 14 years.

 Now I was feeling particularly lousy the other day and went into the pet store where I used to work to pick something up and had a chat to my old boss – they have been there for over 30 years! I told her all my working woes and commented how I missed the retail environment where the customers are happy and want to regale you with tales of what Fido did at the dog park that day.  We chatted a while and she made me feel better, she always does.

That night the phone rang, it was my old boss offering me a job, school hours a couple of days a week should I want it. I was over the moon! I accepted of course and now I start back on Monday. It feels right, sure pay is half that of the public service but it’s a job that I LOVE with perfect hours and it gets me out of the house – plus she knows me, knows my moods and is 100% supportive.

For the first time in a very, very long time I feel like I am doing something worthwhile that’s just for me and I am really excited, wish me luck!!

What sort of job do you do? Do you love it or hate it?