So I wrote a memoir…

 Yes, I wrote a book, somewhat narcissistically of course as it’s all about me! The book was supposed to be a means of therapy suggested by my psychologist due to my love of writing and my tumultuous life. From the amount of money and hours I had spent sitting ‘on the couch’ we figured I had a few stories to share and so when a hypomanic mood hit I spent 6 weeks in a haze of ideas and black coffee writing my memoir.

It brought up a lot of issues from childhood such as the intense bullying about my weight and it was amazing to see just how much this had shaped the person I have become. I was able to look at the timeline of my life and note periods of early mania and depressions as far back as 8yrs old, it was interesting, cathartic and quickly became 85,000 words.

I have the book saved in a few locations since my computer was factory re set by the repair shop and I thought I had lost it, luckily Microsoft one drive had saved it all for me without my knowledge, but despite this I have still not been able to bring myself to send it off to publishing companies. It’s not so much a fear of rejection – I expect to be rejected – but a fear of humiliation, of the person reading it laughing at my poor grammar, shaking their head at the fact I am conceited enough to think people might want to read a book about ME.

So it stays on my hard drive finished but stagnant, my life’s tales of teenage pregnancies, eating disorders, mania, psychiatric hospitals, love and children. My hypomanic motivation long since fizzled out into bouts of relentless depressions of varying scale. I don’t currently have a psychologist to encourage me to pursue my writing so instead I decided that this blog “The Colour of Madness” (named after my book) could be my outlet, my therapy and for once I don’t care if people I know read it.

I kept secrets for so many years, hid my mental illness from friends and relatives and to some extent from myself. I don’t want to hide anymore – I don’t necessarily want to advertise it to the world either, at least not until the book comes out (if the book comes out). So for now this place is becoming my new therapist and will also give me a way of me tracking my moods a bit better as I always forget to fill out that little mood chart that the doctors give me.

Do you enjoy writing as therapy? Do you remember to fill out your mood chart?