Listless

I’m bored. Bored and annoyed at everything and nothing at the same time, I guess ‘depressively listless’ would best describe my current mood state, it feels like I am killing time but until what I still don’t know. 

Right now I could be cleaning the house or in the garden or (attempting to) bake something or some other domestic goddess style feat but no, I’d rather sit at the computer drinking coffee and trying not to binge eat out of boredom.

As I type this my internet isn’t working (again) satellite internet is really, really dodgy but beggars can’t be choosers and I should be thankful to have internet access at all. Right now this means I can’t check Twitter / Facebook or read blogs and that’s a little bit more frustrating than it healthily should be!

I have been thinking a lot about this bipolar lark. I am at a stalemate with my illness and I am sick of participating in its games. I don’t want bipolar any more, I want to be able to make and honour commitments, sleep at night without going over the 100 ways in which I could kill myself first and I sure as hell don’t want to take these bloody meds anymore.

Meds have changed me, yes life these days is totally void of any sort of euphoric (hypo)mania, I feel connected to absolutely nothing including my family and have zero motivation, zero libido and next to no enthusiasm for things I used to love. When I used to stay awake all night at least I used to achieve stuff, I excelled at the work I can no longer cognitively do, now my head is fog and my memory is goldfish.

The one benefit is I have saved a lot of money not feeling the desire to purchase vast quantities of things I don’t need – and I haven’t felt the desire to gamble which becomes a nasty habit during my “up’s”. Yes, the only hypomania-esque symptoms I get these days are racing thoughts, paranoia, insomnia, irritability and angry outbursts.

So basically I am either totally numb or suicidally depressed, I just want to be happy.

Part of me is thinking I should just turn up the self-denial knob and refuse to have bipolar, perhaps if I deny it for long enough it will magically go away by itself. I have already basically made the decision to stop taking my meds, but I am going to go about it the right way, with the help of my psychiatrist whom I will finally see on the 31^st August.

Frankly the worst thing that could happen if I stop the meds is a full blown manic episode and I am willing to take that chance, meds have done nothing to reduce my suicidal depressive episodes so I am not going to be at any higher of a risk of suicide than I am on medication.

The withdrawal symptoms of stopping psychiatric meds can be pretty full on so I need to find out how to taper safely rather than going cold turkey on my own, as tempting as that has been lately, I do know I need my support system around me if I am going to be successful.

What’s your relationship with medication? 

Do you think it’s possible to maintain your mental health without it?