Hypomania or helpful?

I am wondering if I am starting to show a few signs of mild hypomania, I’m not euphoric by any stretch but I’m not depressed and I am irritable. I’m still an insomniac but I am less tired in the mornings than I was, I have also been getting bouts of paranoia, I’m speeding in the car a lot more without realising it, ‘oversharing’ to strangers, feeling the need to listen to dance music loud and I’m more impulsive - yesterday on a whim I decided to cut my long hair short and dye it “bimbo blonde”. 

The hair salon I go to is managed by a friend of mine and is located at a large public hospital in the city. A lady in her 30s sporting a baby pink dressing gown came down quietly and asked for a cut and colour, she looked worn out and very unwell, her story unfolded as my friend’s colleague Catherine put the foils into her hair and it was clear the poor woman had been to hell and back. 

Suddenly a look of horror appeared on the ladies face and she said “Oh my gosh, I never asked… how much will this cost?” Catherine did a quick tally up and told the lady the price. She started crying and said “I am so sorry, I should have asked before… I can’t afford this, you will have to stop.” Catherine’s expression was one of ‘oh crap, I don’t know what to do, and you have ¼ head of foils in, it can’t be left like this!’

 So without thinking it through I immediately offered to pay for the ladies haircut, which I just “knew” was the right thing to do – I mean the poor women really needed the pick-me-up after all that she had been through. The lady started crying and was so thankful that it made everyone else well up too, in the end another client that was there chipped in some money and both Catherine and my friend did as well and the lady left feeling much happier.

Now, I like to do nice things for people, it makes me feel good to change someone’s day for the better the only trouble is that I wasn’t really in a financial position to be making that kind of offer, I did it impulsively the way I tend to make decisions when I am hypomanic. Luckily the others had decided to chip in and I had spent less on groceries this week so I was able to make it work but my good intentions seem to come out of my mouth before I have thought about the implications.

I’m torn because I am currently reducing my meds starting with the anti-psychotic, I have cut back from 80mg a day to 20mg and I’m not sure if this mood shift could be totally unrelated, related to the decrease or a withdrawal based thing. I don’t want to go back on that drug due to side effects and I really don’t want to numb away any chance of creative thinking or potential euphoria – I was depressed or flat for such a long time, I just want to feel good again and the fear that that could be potentially destructive scares and saddens me. I hate this illness, I question every thought that comes in my head, I don’t know what’s real anymore… 

What do non bipolar people experience? What is ‘normal’? I wonder if half the time I’m just overthinking things…