Off peak ramblings

I want to write. Scratch that, I NEED to write. I have run out of “on peak” internet data and “off peak” runs from 1am to 7am when I am supposed to be sleeping – or at least lying in bed pretending to. As a result I have been unable to blog in what feels like an eternity, I am counting down the minutes until the first of October s that I can reconnect with the world again.

Its currently half past midnight and I am penning this on my trusty iPhone while lying in my bed being a good girl and not getting up and running to the computer. In half an hour my internet connection should work and I can post this – and all the other mildly manic garbage I have written in the last few days. 

I really am supposed to be sleeping, something that I haven’t been doing much of lately. My husband is snoring lightly and has one arm draped over me in a protective manner, it turns out that arms are surprisingly heavy and the weight of it is making breathing slightly difficult. I slowly push it off of me and gently guide him onto his side facing away from me, sighing in relief as the oxygen floods back into my body.

25minutes to go.

I slept better last night (around 5hrs) and I am so much calmer today, which is arguably a good thing but simultaneously frightening because I am terrified of ending up in another depression, over the last few weeks I have promised myself that I would not let that happen.

In my wildest imagination, in the wee hours of the morning while my heart beat fast and my leg furiously tapped out the beats to the dance music playing in my mind, I fantasised again about running away, so they couldn’t find me, couldn’t catch me. I decided that I was going out on a high this time, my death, fantastical and romanticized – never again would I be touched by the cold hand of depression.

20 minutes.

Fuck it, I’m going on the computer anyway.